Preaching to the Choir about Poop

(this originally appeared on http://www.ilistpaducah.com/ - you should subscribe so you don't miss out!)

My favorite tee shirt. Available at the Market @ 315, or online from me!

Last week, the dogs gave us the scoop: if they're out in public, they're going to poop.

Back in the Middle Ages, there weren't all that many people, and even fewer dogs. A dog could find a private, out of the way field or forest and leave a deposit before rejoining his knight and carrying on with the business of hunting his stag. Or hoisting his petard or whatever. No harm, no foul.

Nowadays, people and dogs abound. Dogs love us, guard us, depend on us, help us heal, lead us, keep us company, make us laugh, and make sure we get enough exercise. And did I mention how perfectly they love us?

All we have to do in return is love them back.

And pick up after them.

I had a shocking conversation recently with a clever writer whom I admire. "I don't believe in picking up after my dogs," quoth the clever writer. "You know, nature's fertilizer, ecology, all that."

My ass.

You go to a friend's house for dinner. You realize the chili dog you had for lunch was a mistake. You excuse yourself to use the powder room. You flush. You don't leave it there because it's Nature.

NEWS FLASH: no one enjoys your dog's poops either! And there's that whole mysterious magnetic quality of dog poop. If there is a human foot within 300 yards of a virgin field with one little dog turd in it, that foot will land in that turd. There's a Law of Nature for you.

And another NEWS FLASH: folks in a neighborhood KNOW who's not picking up after their dogs.

So here's a cool/not cool list to use as an easy reference tool.

Cool: Always pick up after your dog. Always. If you walk in the dark, carry a flashlight. Some retractable leads have a light built into the handle.

Not cool: Throwing away your last baggy. (The dogs must then poop again, according to The Rules)

Cool: As soon as your dog assumes the position, whip out your baggie with a flourish, Oh yeah, you got it goin' on. And if the baggie is color coordinated with your outfit? Hot.

Not cool: Your dog is taking a dump and suddenly you must examine a fascinating freckle on your finger, or identify that bird on the wire. You la la la don't happen to notice the steaming pile and you 'innocently' walk on. People hate you. Dog people especially. Like a good kindergarten teacher hates a pedophile. You cast aspersions on us all.

Commissioner Gayle Kaler

Cool: You're a City Commissioner who is willing to address the Poop Problem. Rock on, Commissioner Kaler, I'm at your service!

Not cool: Forgetting which hand you are carrying the full baggie in, and waving with the wrong hand to passersby.Holding the poop bag in the same hand as your cell phone, water bottle, etc. That's just gross.

Cool: If you're worried about being green, you can recycle plastic shopping bags, or buy biodegradable pooh bags. Leaving brown all over town is NOT green.

Not cool: Thinking that since I pick up after all of my dogs, I wouldn't mind picking up after yours. What kind of crack are you smoking?

Paducah Mayor Bill Paxton flexes some political muscle for a clean city

Definitely cool: Respecting your city, your neighborhood and your neighbors by cleaning up after your dog.

I would never advocate bagging up your neighbor's dog poop and returning it to their yard. Or porch. Or getting fed up enough to hurl it in their open car window as they drive by.

But I have been known to run screaming across a park, waving a poop bag overhead, yelling "HEY! YOUR DOG JUST TOOK A DUMP. DO YOU NEED TO BORROW A BAGGIE?"

hug your sweet poopin' hounds

Great Hairy Support Socks!

Last Friday, our (meaning Paducah's, not the Royal "our") gorgeous Performing Arts Center held a fundraising luncheon. Our gorgeous Performing Arts Center is officially The Luther F. Carson Four Rivers (Performing Arts) Center because they couldn't decide what name to give it so they used all they had. I did not add the (Performing Arts) part. That's the official name. Anyway it is a beautiful facility and we get to see Broadway touring shows and our own Paducah Symphony and more.

The fundraiser was a Vintner's luncheon. Wine tasting. I write a weekly column for our most AWESOME community e-calendar iList Paducah dot com, the iPet of the Week. iList Paducah bought a table, and I was invited as a guest. I'm the best guest to invite to a wine tasting luncheon, because I don't drink wine. Anymore. I miss drinking wine, oh yes I do. But with a not so great family history, and a personal history of looking forward to five o'clock starting at, oh, ten in the morning, I decided three years ago to quit while I was ahead. Dammit.

I was doing something Friday morning, I don't know what, (I'm sure it wasn't visiting blogs or playing Wordscraper on Facebook) but next thing I knew it was eleven and I was supposed to be there between 11:30 and 12:00.

Now, I know people with better priorities would have had an outfit all picked out and jewelry and shoes and maybe they would have had their hair done. I figured I had those hanging clothes I had forgotten to take to the National. Yup there they were. And that would go okay with my only pair of dress shoes, which aren't so dressy after two, three years of dog shows in the mud, dusty buildings, wet grass, etc. They are black flats with a little ballet slipper sort of faux bow. They were black once. Now they are blackish with lots of scuff marks on the toes and heels that let the gray leather show through. Stylin'!
Oh, who looks at shoes, I say.

So I quickly showered, no need to shave legs since I'd be wearing black pantyhose, and realized that I need to cut my hair. (Haven't made time for a real haircut for three or four years. I just use my big sewing scissors and hack away at it.) No time now. I needed to be at the Carson Center in twenty minutes and still had to dress, put on make up - that would entail my 3 year old mascara and 8 year old blush, do I get my money's worth or what - let the dogs out and put them up with their treats.

I couldn't find the pantyhose. I knew I had a pair. I saw the photos of the black pantyhose oh so inappropriately paired with the pale peach pants I showed Swede William in at the National. I checked the laundry (clean and dirty), the suitcase, the drawer, the closet, inside the pale peach pants in the dry cleaning basket, and then, defining insanity, I checked the same places all over again. And again. One more time for luck.

During these searches I happened upon my (formerly Bill's) trusty old black ribbed support socks. While I was gone, sweet Bill had washed them. Apparently he had washed them with dog bedding, because they were bristling with little white dog hairs. I mean every square inch of the socks had 647 little white dog hairs sticking out.

I searched again for the panty hose.

Tick, tick, tick.

Tempted to can the whole luncheon thing. Not feeling so festive. Wanting to cry. Again.
Oh Patience! You silly twit! You are a 55 year old, thoroughly married woman. Bill was in Chicago. (I don't know how that pertains, but he was.) You need to get out and laugh.
Right. On go the hairy support socks and the ancient dog show shoes. Under the lower-calf-length skirt. Out went the dogs, in went the dogs with their biscuits, Easy and Spice loose in the kitchen/dining room because that's where they are happiest, and off I drove to the Carson Center in the Warburton Whippet Wagon, sitting forward hunched against the steering wheel because I had a black blazer on and the seat back is covered with little white hairs, too.

The The Luther F. Carson Four Rivers (Performing Arts) Center is huge. They had thoughtfully stationed a volunteer outside the appropriate set of doors to direct wine tasting guests. I could see her reflection in the glass doors after I passed her. I saw her pleasant expression contort in shock and then register abject horror as her eyes swept down my retreating backside and arrived, unwillingly at the shabby shoes and hairy ribbed support socks.
So, me being me, as I greeted friends, acquaintances and complete strangers, I felt compelled to show them my hairy ribbed support socks and dog show shoes. "I couldn't find my pantyhose," I explained. As if this was a common occurrence to ladies everywhere dressing for vintner's luncheons.

As if.

But after all it was a charitable bunch of good souls. Everyone laughed good naturedly. And everyone felt better about their own appearance!

I aim to please.


hug your hairy hounds

A Mutual Rescue

I forgot to share this week's iPet of the Week!



It's a fabulous happy story, about Dru Bear the Maltese/terrier mix.

Marie rescued Dru Bear from the Lexington pound, because the then six year old looked so terrible. Then Dru Bear turned right around and rescued Marie back, just by loving her so much. Marie figured if her little dog could love her with such a huge big love, then she could love herself a little bit.

Read all about it HERE.

Hug your hounds

Meet Mortise!

This week's iPet of the Week is really fun!

Meet Mortise the Boxer HERE. Mortise is one cool dude. He ate a box spring. And half a couch.

[Please click to enlarge this photo... it's worth it!]

And just a note: I am finishing my book. This leaves me with no time. Every spare second goes to the book.

PLEASE understand!!! And please be forgiving. I feel like I have abandoned you, dear readers, after all your tremendous support. I am trying to produce something which you will enjoy, and be proud of, and take credit for. Yup, you all can take a lot of credit for this book. You have given me strength, courage and confidence (not a feeling at which I excel), and knowing you are waiting has kept me on task.

Okay, back to work for me!



hug your hounds

Miss Maddie is the iPet of the Week!

Remember Maddie, who saved Miss Phyllis' life?



She's the iPet of the Week!!! Go have a quick look!


And while you're there, check out Kizzie, the rescue Doberman who teaches kids about dog safety and helps them read.

Get your hankies out for Lexi, waiting at a local shelter for her forever home with her two newborn puppies, which she gave birth to while tied/tangled in a remote woods to a tree.

And hooray to iList Paducah for featuring these great heroes!!!

hug your hounds

The Grand Poopbah Prize Winner!

Maria sends hugs, and demonstrates on her great grandaughter Lindy Loo

We've had a very scientific method for drawing all the other winners for the blog-o-versary reader appreciation give aways. I had a bunch of little pieces of paper with numbers written on them and I put them n a bag ( a POOP bag, of course) and shook it up and picked a number. The writer of the corresponding comment (say, the 6th one down if I drew #6) won the prize. No corruption or graft.

Tonight it is late, and I needed to announce the prize, but I'm in bed with the laptop (and Very Old Dog and Bill) and the poop bag of numbers is in the sewing/computer room.

So I said, "Bill, are you asleep?"

And Bill said, "S.N.O.R.E."

And I said, "Bill, are you asleep?"

And Bill said, "Hnmunmpgh?"

And I said, "Hey, honey, are you awake?"

And he said, "Yes. I am now."

So I said, "Oh, good, I was afraid maybe you had fallen asleep already. Can you pick a number between one and thirty-five, please?"

And Bill squinted one eye barely open and looked at me like I had asked him to stand at the podium and recite 'Mary had a little lamb' at the next City Commissioners meeting, and said, "What?"

I said, sweetly, "Just pick a number between one and thirty-five. That's all."

And Bill said, "Seven."

So PeachMelba is the winner of the Grand Poopbah Prizes!!! Woo - HOOOOOO! Congrats to you!!!

Please email me your address and your dog's neck size for the collar.

Thanks to everyone for playing. Back to little dog stories. Oh, except, and please don't tell the Whippets, but this week's iPet of the week is a C.A.T. shhhhhhhhhhh!

Click HERE to read the story, if you promise not to tell my dogs.

hug your hounds

The Celebration Continues! New Freebie!

Our prize announcer Maria is way over excited, with all of today's news!

First, thanks to those of you who purchased collars and leads in the Reader Appreciation Sale! There are still a few available HERE.

Also, a lot of you commented that the sale items wouldn't fit, sooooo, I decided to have an unprecedented sale from now until my Blog-O-Versary on September 7th,

ON ALL CUSTOM MADE COLLARS and LEADS!!!

So, from today, til September 7th, you can go to

and place an order. If you use the Paypal shopping cart on the website, I will send you a Paypal refund of 15% !!!! Or, if you would rather not use Paypal, you can use the contact link on the top of the web page and email me your trim and nylon choices, and your dog's neck measurement, and I'll email you back with the 15% discounted total and an address to send a check.

Now, for some news. The next iPet of the week is up, HERE. You surely won't want to miss sweet Frodo the miracle Corgi, who threw away his wheel chair last May and hasn't looked back.

His story is amazing and heartwarming!

If you are a local Dear Reader, do NOT miss the DOG EVENT OF THE YEAR!!! The First Annual DOG DAY, celebrating Responsible Dog Ownership Month. You can find out all about it HERE. Personally, I cannot WAIT to see the duck herding demo! I will NOT be trying this ever with the whippets. (Feathers feathers everywhere! Duck Gumbo, anyone?)

There's a huge long list of all the fun stuff going on out at the Kennel Club on Saturday from 9 to 2. Come on out and celebrate your relationship with your dog.

And now what you've been waiting for. Today's free give-away prize:

Your dog's choice, either

or

The winner can choose the appropriate size, either the ginormous 14" or the petite 8" variety. To enter, simply click to comment, below. We'll do a random drawing.

Good luck!!! And thank you for your support!

hug your hounds

The iPet of the Week!

Oh, dear readers, this is a big day in these parts.

First we have a Proclamation, and now we get to announce

the iPet of the Week!!!

You've heard me talk about the bar none BEST online Community Calendar ever,

iList Paducah and the Marvelous Mary Thorsby and Nifty Nikki May who dreamed it up and produce it. (They let me do the story on why giving puppies for Christmas is a bad idea, and you dear readers supplied great photos of mass destruction for it.)

Well, we just launched a weekly feature called the iPet of the Week, which will feature one of our area's unsung and unhuman heroes! Every week!

This week features Heather, a 13 year old Scottie, who's been visiting patients at Lourdes Hospital for TEN YEARS!!!! TEN YEARS!!!

We'll feature pets like Heather, and sometimes we'll feature a very special pet from a shelter who needs to find the right home, and oh the possibilities are endless!

I just think that when folks know how many wonderful unhuman heroes are right in our area, it will be a good thing. And I'm so grateful to the sponsors and to Mary and Nikki for letting me do it!

hug your heroes

Hot Hot Hot News!

Holy Cow how cool is this! We are extraordinarily fortunate in our little city to have an amazing Internet Calendar of Events, the brainchild of clever, clever, clever Mary Thorsby with the magic of web designer fantissimo, Nikki May. It's called iList Paducah and it comes out weekly and it's just awesome. (They are the ones who let me do the article about giving puppies for Christmas being a Bad Idea.)



Well, it just got more awesome. They do regular features, like iDine, (hey, Tanner and Joe Stains, it's about wine tasting this week), iLove it, and (drum roll) the iDate of the week. Every week they interview a local single person, from twenty-somethings to eighty-somethings. So why am happily, totally, thoroughly married I so excited about this week's iDate of the week?




BECAUSE THIS WEEK'S iLIST PADUCAH'S iDATE OF THE WEEK IS... (another drum roll, I love drum rolls)...

SHELBY THE MIRACLE DOG!!!!

(with her angels Deb and Merle)

The wonderful Nikki and Mary featured Shelby to help to find her perfect forever home. You can read the interview HERE. And if you all could take just a moment to leave them a comment how great they are for doing this for Shelby on Mary's blog just on any entry, it would mean a lot. (Mary has on occasion admitted to comment envy. We all know how that is. How wonderful if she heard kudos from folks all over for doing this cool thing for Shelby?)



If you haven't read about Shelby (who used to be Elsa) the starving dog found in our neighborhood, you can click HERE.


And thank you dear readers for all your prayers and good wishes.



Hug your hounds.

ADDENDUM: Kudos and thank you to Snoutbeagle, and Cara from Canada, and Dis for leaving a comment on the iList blog! When folks see how many people care about Shelby, that has to be a good thing! I never thought I'd say it, but don't leave a comment here. Please take just a moment to thank Mary and Nikki for helping Shelby HERE.
Thank you thank you thank you!