I have studied my dogs' behavior closely for oh these seven years that we've lived in the city.
I've noticed they have Rules of Public Poopage. The Rules are followed religiously, and are added to, or expanded when needed for wondrous effect.
I may be missing some, due to my human limitations, but here's what I've recorded so far:
1. Never waste a public poop. Plan wisely.
2. If your human speaks on the cell phone during your walk, poop. The human will enjoy holding a fresh bag of poop in the same hand as the phone, right up there by their face.
3. If you are walking with human and dog friends, save your poop. They won't be impressed. Keep your buttocks squeezed tight. Instead, you can sniff a spot, and when your dog friends sniff to see what you were sniffing you can pee, and oops there you go peeing right on your dog friend's head!
4. If you are joined on your walk by a non-dog-person, show them what they are missing by giving them a kiss, and then if they secretly wipe off your slobber, quick find a big cat pooh in some mulch and snarf it down. It's really fun to watch the non-dog-person change color when they realize they've been licked by the same mouth that eats cat pooh.
5. If your human has just picked up all the poop in your yard before your walk, then BY ALL MEANS do not poop on your walk. Save it for the moment you step back into your yard. Your human loves having a Purpose in Life.
6. If it is rainy out, and your human refuses to make it stop, you have every right to poop in the dining room. This is especially true if the human has been cooking all day, is upstairs taking a shower not paying attention to your needs, and thirty humans are about to arrive at your house for dinner. This actually calls for a 'walking poop'. Make it a little liquidy and spread it all over.
7. If your walk happens to take you Downtown, don't take advantage of the landscaped areas; the humans expect this. Surprise and delight them by pooping right in the middle of the sidewalk. In front of a restaurant or a fancy boutique is a nice touch. This must be a stealth poop. No warning sniffing or positioning, or they will try to move you. Just stop, hunch and let 'er rip!
8. A full school bus of middle school children is a Must Poop Opportunity. This even calls for Simulpoops. Every dog on the walk is required to produce. You won't believe the shrieks!
9. The Important Human Rule states that if you encounter a human big shot on your walk, you must show said human that your poop does smell, just like theirs or probably even more! This includes, but is not limited to, Mayors, Governors, City Commissioners, Movie or Television Stars, CEO's (especially CEO's), and People Who Think They Are Important For Any Reason. Exempt are artists and writers because they are poor and riddled with self-doubt and most of them are dog people anyway. If they are Uppity, then the exemption is null and void.
10. For a festive occasion, like a charity run, or a ribbon cutting, festive poop is called for. Ingestion of crayons, tin foil, antique pearl necklaces, and/or brightly colored vinyl dog toys will do fine. Use your imagination! Make that poop sparkle!
11. Always save a little poop. When the human throws away the poop bag, go again. They feel useless and empty without a putrid poop bag in hand.
** poop candle available for purchase, email us!
hug your wonderful hounds