Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Rules of Public Poopage

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I have studied my dogs' behavior closely for oh these seven years that we've lived in the city.

I've noticed they have Rules of Public Poopage. The Rules are followed religiously, and are added to, or expanded when needed for wondrous effect.

I may be missing some, due to my human limitations, but here's what I've recorded so far:



1. Never waste a public poop. Plan wisely.

2. If your human speaks on the cell phone during your walk, poop. The human will enjoy holding a fresh bag of poop in the same hand as the phone, right up there by their face.

3. If you are walking with human and dog friends, save your poop. They won't be impressed. Keep your buttocks squeezed tight. Instead, you can sniff a spot, and when your dog friends sniff to see what you were sniffing you can pee, and oops there you go peeing right on your dog friend's head!

4. If you are joined on your walk by a non-dog-person, show them what they are missing by giving them a kiss, and then if they secretly wipe off your slobber, quick find a big cat pooh in some mulch and snarf it down. It's really fun to watch the non-dog-person change color when they realize they've been licked by the same mouth that eats cat pooh.

5. If your human has just picked up all the poop in your yard before your walk, then BY ALL MEANS do not poop on your walk. Save it for the moment you step back into your yard. Your human loves having a Purpose in Life.

6. If it is rainy out, and your human refuses to make it stop, you have every right to poop in the dining room. This is especially true if the human has been cooking all day, is upstairs taking a shower not paying attention to your needs, and thirty humans are about to arrive at your house for dinner. This actually calls for a 'walking poop'. Make it a little liquidy and spread it all over.


7. If your walk happens to take you Downtown, don't take advantage of the landscaped areas; the humans expect this. Surprise and delight them by pooping right in the middle of the sidewalk. In front of a restaurant or a fancy boutique is a nice touch. This must be a stealth poop. No warning sniffing or positioning, or they will try to move you. Just stop, hunch and let 'er rip!

8. A full school bus of middle school children is a Must Poop Opportunity. This even calls for Simulpoops. Every dog on the walk is required to produce. You won't believe the shrieks!

9. The Important Human Rule states that if you encounter a human big shot on your walk, you must show said human that your poop does smell, just like theirs or probably even more! This includes, but is not limited to, Mayors, Governors, City Commissioners, Movie or Television Stars, CEO's (especially CEO's), and People Who Think They Are Important For Any Reason. Exempt are artists and writers because they are poor and riddled with self-doubt and most of them are dog people anyway. If they are Uppity, then the exemption is null and void.

10. For a festive occasion, like a charity run, or a ribbon cutting, festive poop is called for. Ingestion of crayons, tin foil, antique pearl necklaces, and/or brightly colored vinyl dog toys will do fine. Use your imagination! Make that poop sparkle!

11. Always save a little poop. When the human throws away the poop bag, go again. They feel useless and empty without a putrid poop bag in hand.



** poop candle available for purchase, email us!

hug your wonderful hounds

34 comments:

  1. Ms. Patience,

    Dare we say, for a human, you know way too much about our secret rules!!! One of those scalawag hairless whippets must have squealed.

    Our mom was laughing at all the things she recognized. Now you've done it, dear lady -- all our secrets are revealed.

    (Only it's not the dining room: it's the corner of the living room behind the coffee table just next to Mom's favorite red chair (JH). Or in Mom's office (Jake))

    Wirey love to all!!!

    Jake and Just Harry

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  2. I gotta do something about my wife....

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  3. Now Bill's comment had me laughing nearly as hard as your post! It's spot on!

    Hugs,
    Ane

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  4. Francarrich from WWMay 10, 2009 at 2:31 PM

    Banjo can add another rule to your list:-

    Always do a squishy poop in the long grass at the side of the path, or better still in the brambles! You've been a GOOD whippet & not made a mess on the pavement but it still has to be bagged by your servant. Brambles tear lovely holes in plastic poop bags - Yeah!!!

    Wags from Banjo & snuffles from Aida.

    PS We hope the delicate matter mentioned in the previous blog entry has cleared up successfully!

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  5. Truth...every bit of it. Gus suggests ingesting colored balloons for festive poops! They integrate nicely. Please be sure to ingest only SMALL balloons, as the longer/larger ones may require the dreaded "tug." However socks, regardless of pattern or consistency, do not make a festive poop, and are almost certain to require an assisted delivery.

    Bill...Clone her..she is priceless.

    gussie n teka

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  6. I think you got them all. And they are universal.

    And funny.

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  7. Wonderful. Simulpoops. 'nuff said.

    wally t.

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  8. And what is Bill proposing to do with you?!! So you have an entertaining, dogs' eyes view of the world. It could certainly be worse!

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  9. Deedrz & KarterMay 10, 2009 at 4:32 PM

    Don't forget the Crossing the Street Poops. Every once in a while, one must perform a stealth poop as you and the servant are crossing the street. Bonus marks if the light is already yellow.

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  10. You forgot the "The one time your human thought she had plenty of poop bags with her...and didn't...make sure you poop way more times than normal."

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  11. Patience - you hit this spot on - especially #2, 7, 8 and 11!

    And there's nothing like the dreaded "bit of grass retained" - just hanging out enough that the dog knows there is something left but can't seem to squeeze it out. This usually has to be pulled out ("Oh I really hope I have a Kleenex in my pocket . . .") and is always necessary in a more public setting!

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  12. You have all the rules down. It is amazing that you are a human.

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  13. Haaaaaaaaaaaa!
    I think I need to put in practise all those rules.
    I am so boring pooping in my own bathroom!
    Kisses and hugs
    Lorenza

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  14. oh yes, we think you covered it all. poop is a wonderful gift that us dogs have for our humans and there are many ways for us to bestow it. they are lucky to have us.

    chapter 2 - how to deal with diarrhea????

    woofs!

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  15. That was hilarious! Thank you and so true! My Mom does not like dogs, she is especially not happy Africa is in the house. It seems that Africa is aware of this and seems to always clean herself in front of her and then attempts to lick her. I am not raising a ladylike puppy am I.
    http://www.trainingboerboels.blogspot.com/

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  16. I read it to our cats. They were not impressed.

    I was impressed. I just about fell out of my chair with laughter.

    That was a great post. I loved the part about the stealth poop and the school bus.

    We had a dog for 14 years and another for about the same time, I can so relate.

    Our last dog died a few years ago, and we miss her so much. She was our baby (don't tell the cats). We decided not to get another dog because we were finally free not to have to worry about what time to come home or what to do about vacations.

    It is still hard being dogless. perhaps one day.

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  17. Ohhhh This is sooooo true. And these aren't just Whippet Rules. The herding gang at my place have also mastered them all. They, with their furry butts, have one more: always leave a little poop, preferably the squishy, runny kind, on the fur feathers along the hind quarters, well hidden by furry tail. Then sit on a guest's lap, or jump in a guest's car, or simply stand very close to a guest with a sensitive nose.

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  18. Drover agrees with Banjo, poo on top of something thorny so that retrieval of poo is dangerous to the human. He also says when walking around an apartment complex with tons of grass, only poo on the beautiful landscaped bits with flowers. And then scrape with the back feet so that special landscapey mulch goes 10 ft out into the lawn (in case anyone was going to fail to notice that the flowers had been pooed on).
    ~Ariel

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  19. Well of course...EVERY DOG knows these rules...Number 11 is really one of our specialties..Love A+A

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  20. omdog this was GREAT! Bill, don't do a thing about your wife because we loved this post!! I like to perform a DRAPE poop where I back into a bush and then place my poo on a branch or sometimes on a low wall in someone's yard. And you are right about the fact that you MUST poop on the sidewalk!!! Don't get me started about pooping when it rains...

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  21. I think this should be included in the dogs Bill of Poop Rights. It's utterly brilliant.

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  22. I sure hope my whippets don't read this although I must say, festive poop might be an interesting change! r

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  23. I sure hope my whippets don't read this although I must say, festive poop might be an interesting change! r

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  24. This should be printed out and published for every Dog to read!

    Very funny!

    lotsaluv, Marvin and Jeannie xxxxx

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  25. Mom wants to know if the poop candle smells like chocolate?!

    Love ya lots,
    Maggie and Mitch

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  26. i am so glad to have these rules written down. i never knew there were official rules but i feel much better with my newfound clarity!
    thank you so much!
    hugs,
    puglette
    :o)

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  27. At least you don't have a crazy old bat who puts your poop in a machine that makes compost.

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  28. I agree with your hubby - he has to do something about his wife :)

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  29. Martha and P-doggyMay 12, 2009 at 9:56 AM

    Priceless,dear P,PRICELESS!

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  30. One more reason to be thankful I live in the country! That post was so funny.

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  31. Nemo subscribes to a different rule. When ever we step off the property he sees it as an opportunity to spread his poop around the world. Even if he has JUST POOPED, he will manufacture more. If he hasn't pooped at least 3 times on a 30 minute walk, he will be disappointed. He gets bonus points if he can fool me into thinking he's done, so I tie off or toss the poop bag, then he produces more. Where does it come from? I think he's some sort of Poop Wizard.

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  32. And a happy birthday dear Patience,
    Happy birthday to
    youuuuuuuuuuhowwwwllllllllll!

    Love,
    Stardusted

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  33. Thanks for the great advices! We are planning to move to the town and this information will help a lot to cope with the new situation. Keep up the good work!

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