Preaching to the Choir about Poop

(this originally appeared on http://www.ilistpaducah.com/ - you should subscribe so you don't miss out!)

My favorite tee shirt. Available at the Market @ 315, or online from me!

Last week, the dogs gave us the scoop: if they're out in public, they're going to poop.

Back in the Middle Ages, there weren't all that many people, and even fewer dogs. A dog could find a private, out of the way field or forest and leave a deposit before rejoining his knight and carrying on with the business of hunting his stag. Or hoisting his petard or whatever. No harm, no foul.

Nowadays, people and dogs abound. Dogs love us, guard us, depend on us, help us heal, lead us, keep us company, make us laugh, and make sure we get enough exercise. And did I mention how perfectly they love us?

All we have to do in return is love them back.

And pick up after them.

I had a shocking conversation recently with a clever writer whom I admire. "I don't believe in picking up after my dogs," quoth the clever writer. "You know, nature's fertilizer, ecology, all that."

My ass.

You go to a friend's house for dinner. You realize the chili dog you had for lunch was a mistake. You excuse yourself to use the powder room. You flush. You don't leave it there because it's Nature.

NEWS FLASH: no one enjoys your dog's poops either! And there's that whole mysterious magnetic quality of dog poop. If there is a human foot within 300 yards of a virgin field with one little dog turd in it, that foot will land in that turd. There's a Law of Nature for you.

And another NEWS FLASH: folks in a neighborhood KNOW who's not picking up after their dogs.

So here's a cool/not cool list to use as an easy reference tool.

Cool: Always pick up after your dog. Always. If you walk in the dark, carry a flashlight. Some retractable leads have a light built into the handle.

Not cool: Throwing away your last baggy. (The dogs must then poop again, according to The Rules)

Cool: As soon as your dog assumes the position, whip out your baggie with a flourish, Oh yeah, you got it goin' on. And if the baggie is color coordinated with your outfit? Hot.

Not cool: Your dog is taking a dump and suddenly you must examine a fascinating freckle on your finger, or identify that bird on the wire. You la la la don't happen to notice the steaming pile and you 'innocently' walk on. People hate you. Dog people especially. Like a good kindergarten teacher hates a pedophile. You cast aspersions on us all.

Commissioner Gayle Kaler

Cool: You're a City Commissioner who is willing to address the Poop Problem. Rock on, Commissioner Kaler, I'm at your service!

Not cool: Forgetting which hand you are carrying the full baggie in, and waving with the wrong hand to passersby.Holding the poop bag in the same hand as your cell phone, water bottle, etc. That's just gross.

Cool: If you're worried about being green, you can recycle plastic shopping bags, or buy biodegradable pooh bags. Leaving brown all over town is NOT green.

Not cool: Thinking that since I pick up after all of my dogs, I wouldn't mind picking up after yours. What kind of crack are you smoking?

Paducah Mayor Bill Paxton flexes some political muscle for a clean city

Definitely cool: Respecting your city, your neighborhood and your neighbors by cleaning up after your dog.

I would never advocate bagging up your neighbor's dog poop and returning it to their yard. Or porch. Or getting fed up enough to hurl it in their open car window as they drive by.

But I have been known to run screaming across a park, waving a poop bag overhead, yelling "HEY! YOUR DOG JUST TOOK A DUMP. DO YOU NEED TO BORROW A BAGGIE?"

hug your sweet poopin' hounds