Wednesday, January 16, 2008

For Dog Lovers Only

There are some things that only dog lovers can understand.

Now, that said, I do try to be socially acceptable, for the most part, in non doggy circles as well. I am a total NPR geek, listening during all my waking hours, which helps me to be marginally conversant with people who don't know a dew claw from a stop pad. And on the rare occasion when the television is on, it is usually turned to Antiques Road Show or Bill Moyers or American Masters on PBS. (Except I have this morbid fascination with the Biggest Loser, don't even ask me why, and I do like Law & Order and the Medium, so there's some hope for me.)

Yesterday, as the dear Very Old Dog hinted, Bill had surgery in Nashville. We left the house at 4:37 AM for the 8:00 AM surgery time. The dogs bounded downstairs at O-dark-thirty, in a high state of anticipation because usually an arising at such an hour spells a dog show or field trial and no one wants to be left home. Oh the sad faces when the realization struck that there would be no canine travellers!

Very Old Dog, I believe, could even get politicians and kings to behave with one of his looks of disappointment. (World Leader: "Send the Troops into harm's way to make me more powerful!" Very Old Dog, worry wrinkles in his dear brow: "I'm disappointed in you, World Leader. Perhaps you could work on a diplomatic solution and not make people die and lose their loved ones." World Leader, scratching Very Old Dog behind his ears: "Yes, well, um. Never mind. Let's schedule some peace talks.")

But much to the collective doggy delight, our dear friend and neighbor and wonderful canine artist Karen came to their rescue. And knowing I would be relieved to hear that all was well, she called me on my cell phone.

Want to get some attention in a crowded waiting room at a busy surgicenter of a major teaching hospital? Easy! Just have the following conversation:

Hi! Thanks so much for looking after the kids! I just hated leaving them alone so early. I bet they were happy to see you. Did they scream? What? Maria won't stop whining? Oh, she wants to be tucked in. Yes, there's an extra blanket there to cover her. Still? Did you cover her head? Yes, cover her whole body, head and all, so you can't even see her. She likes to feel like she's suffocating!
William and Lindy and Sammy can play outside for a while. No, don't worry about putting their coats on. [It was a record cold day.] I know, but if they want to stay warm, they can run! Oh and sometimes William pees on Lindy's head. Yup she is always putting her nose where it doesn't belong right at the wrong second. If you see yellow on her face could you wipe it off with a wet paper towel? I'm sorry to ask you to do that, but it gets really stinky if it stays on there.

No, you do NOT have to pick up! That was NOT part of the deal and I can do it when I get home. . No, don't worry about it! If William eats poop it won't be the first time and it won't be the last, just don't let him kiss you goodbye when you leave!

After profusely thanking my generous friend, I flipped my cell phone closed and looked up from my conversation to see every single horrified eye in the room fixed in abject revulsion on my face. Why do I have to give my dogs human names? Why could I not have been discussing "Spot" and "Fluffy"?


I'll post a photo of dear Nurse Delia ministering to her manservant in just a bit. And here it is:


hug your hounds, even the poop eaters

(Fortunately, Delia is not a poop eater!)


  1. Oh thank you for the wonderful laugh, Patience! I've been in "that chair" many a time, with all my human named hounds; the gaping mouths are just priceless.

    Much healing light Bill's way.


  2. Paws xxxxd & prayers for Bill...

    Your story remids me of when Herbie's litter were being house trained. I was calling, 'Come on piddle & poop, quickly! Piddle & poop, come on, now!'
    I suddenly heard 2 ladies passing, What dreadful names for dogs!
    Shouldn't be allowed!'
    I was giggling too much to respond ;)


  3. Too funny. Laugh-out-loud funny!!!

    We're glad you both are home and all is well.

    As for putting Very Old Dog on the case with Mr.If-I-were-smarter-I'd-be-too-ashamed-to-call-myself-a-world-leader, we're all for it. Do you think Barney has already tried?

    Wirey woofs,

    Jake and Just Harry

  4. oh that made me laugh. What a conversation to over hear.

  5. Well, you can thank your lucky stars that you didn't have one in season: "Oh, Gabi is such a flooze. If she is teasing the boys too much just throw her in her cage." (Or something to that effect -- if so, you might have had CPS on your door.)

  6. hehehehe That's what you get for evesdropping on other people's phone conversations!

    Love ya lots,
    Maggie and Mitch

  7. oh boy, were we wrong in our guess. We thought the Whippet Dad was off to get an award! Maybe next time. Looks like Delia is taking good care of him, but we are sending wirey kisses just in case.


    ps...muzzer says she has had similar conversations in airports, and while waiting for her name to be called for jury duty. She is glad not one called az cps.

  8. I regularly embarrass myself terribly in public by speaking to Tilly like a child. Prince used to get teribly self-conscious about it!

    I'm pleased to see Bill is getting healing kisses - I hope he has a speedy recovery.

    Thanks so much for the award - it was very kind of you. I'm just sorry it took me so long to pick it up!

  9. Yep, those people names will get you looks from others. Like Jasbri, I've had people shake their heads when I'm yelling (I mean encouraging) my old girl, Annie, to "haul your butt back here, sometime today" (she has arthritis and walks really slow). Thanks for the laugh, and good thoughts for Bill.

  10. I am thinking of Bill, and hoping that all is well, and health is on the way. Your humor must sustain Bill and all the worried doggies too.

    I love your description of the phone conversation, it's a great one and you write it so well I can just about hear it.

    My personal worst was years ago at a local restaurant with about 10 friends brunching after a Sunday Dog Show, getting louder and louder, until into a moment of quiet, I loudly commented, "And did you see the movement on that black bitch?"
    Quiet turned to dead silence, blush.....

  11. Loved your story. Thanks for the laugh!! With a name like Koobuss, I get some strange looks and remarks, too.

    Best wishes to Bill, the man-servant, for a speedy recovery.

    Love and Koobuss Kisses,

  12. That's a very funny story! I wonder how many times the horrified evesdroppers have retold it, and how mangled it is by now. I expect to see the XXX rated version circulating on the internet very soon, with a link to Snopes. com.

    Healthy thoughts and prayers are on their way for Bill's speedy recovery.


  13. This story just made my day! ! I had a good laugh! Thanks! So glad that I dropped by to check out your blog and say hi!

  14. What a hysterical phone conversation to listen in on!

    Toodle pip,
    Harry x

  15. What a wonderful laugh out loud entry. Just imagine if you had your phone on speaker and our wonderful neighbor had been heard. "Lindy won't stop sitting on top of William and..." And thanks commentors for your funny stories. I'll chuckle all day.
    Kisses to all eleven of you - air kisses to William the Swed. Deb

  16. *snorts with laughter!* Yep, been there done that too!! Funny isn't it!!?

  17. Hi Patience,
    Thanks for the laugh! I'm so glad you and Bill are home safe and sound. Cyber hugs and real prayers are coming along for Bill and you, too, from Lady & me.

  18. Oh geez...u are sooooooo funny, Patience!!! I can only imagine the looks...especially the peeing on the head and fecal recycling bit...Scruffy is a total's to the point where it doens't even gross me out anymore...oh well... a dog is a dog....

    Hope Bill did fine...with you heading the team of PACU nurses, I'm sure he's recovering in style.
    Speaking of style, you have WHITE carpet and nine dogs??? That's impressive....

    Marilyn...and the terriers!

  19. Oh Sam...tell Maria et at our house this weekend...and come and see Seymour's pups...they're up for adoption!


  20. Have had the same conversation regarding Tofu and parents pet Ling Ling during my mother's surgery. I cringed and got a prickle in my spine reading your story because it is tooo funnnay and it was told so well.

    Nancy (Tofu's servant)

  21. Healing hugs to Bill! Just priceless as usual-I think all of us doggie people have had those conversations! And when you define people by their dogs-I once tried to describe someone by saying" you know-she has a Japanese Chin."which they heard as japanese chin facial feature-wise-oh well-Martha and P-Doggy.

  22. Patience
    We loved that!!! I would have loved to see the faces...I hope Bill is OK..we send our love and good wishes and Asta sends healing smoochies
    Ami(Asta's Mommi)

  23. I have remembered when I put this to my advantage. My mother was in hospital, where they were notoriosly bad at passing on telephone messages - so I just said, 'Jasmine has had triplet daughters! Please tell my mum!' They rushed to her beside immediately :)


  24. Aw, Patience.... what a wonderful laugh we had with this one.

    May I say too that as Star's birthday gift to me, I received your terrific book.... I ordered it through Barnes and Noble so they know people are interested in it.

    I was worried that you are giving away too much on your entries. Not true! I am delighted to find the book is packed full of much more than can be imagined. I'm looking forward to hours of chuckles and tears. Thank you for tempting me into its purchase.

    Hugging my hound,
    Kathy (and Star the Wonder Dog)


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