Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Great Hairy Support Socks!

Last Friday, our (meaning Paducah's, not the Royal "our") gorgeous Performing Arts Center held a fundraising luncheon. Our gorgeous Performing Arts Center is officially The Luther F. Carson Four Rivers (Performing Arts) Center because they couldn't decide what name to give it so they used all they had. I did not add the (Performing Arts) part. That's the official name. Anyway it is a beautiful facility and we get to see Broadway touring shows and our own Paducah Symphony and more.

The fundraiser was a Vintner's luncheon. Wine tasting. I write a weekly column for our most AWESOME community e-calendar iList Paducah dot com, the iPet of the Week. iList Paducah bought a table, and I was invited as a guest. I'm the best guest to invite to a wine tasting luncheon, because I don't drink wine. Anymore. I miss drinking wine, oh yes I do. But with a not so great family history, and a personal history of looking forward to five o'clock starting at, oh, ten in the morning, I decided three years ago to quit while I was ahead. Dammit.

I was doing something Friday morning, I don't know what, (I'm sure it wasn't visiting blogs or playing Wordscraper on Facebook) but next thing I knew it was eleven and I was supposed to be there between 11:30 and 12:00.

Now, I know people with better priorities would have had an outfit all picked out and jewelry and shoes and maybe they would have had their hair done. I figured I had those hanging clothes I had forgotten to take to the National. Yup there they were. And that would go okay with my only pair of dress shoes, which aren't so dressy after two, three years of dog shows in the mud, dusty buildings, wet grass, etc. They are black flats with a little ballet slipper sort of faux bow. They were black once. Now they are blackish with lots of scuff marks on the toes and heels that let the gray leather show through. Stylin'!
Oh, who looks at shoes, I say.

So I quickly showered, no need to shave legs since I'd be wearing black pantyhose, and realized that I need to cut my hair. (Haven't made time for a real haircut for three or four years. I just use my big sewing scissors and hack away at it.) No time now. I needed to be at the Carson Center in twenty minutes and still had to dress, put on make up - that would entail my 3 year old mascara and 8 year old blush, do I get my money's worth or what - let the dogs out and put them up with their treats.

I couldn't find the pantyhose. I knew I had a pair. I saw the photos of the black pantyhose oh so inappropriately paired with the pale peach pants I showed Swede William in at the National. I checked the laundry (clean and dirty), the suitcase, the drawer, the closet, inside the pale peach pants in the dry cleaning basket, and then, defining insanity, I checked the same places all over again. And again. One more time for luck.

During these searches I happened upon my (formerly Bill's) trusty old black ribbed support socks. While I was gone, sweet Bill had washed them. Apparently he had washed them with dog bedding, because they were bristling with little white dog hairs. I mean every square inch of the socks had 647 little white dog hairs sticking out.

I searched again for the panty hose.

Tick, tick, tick.

Tempted to can the whole luncheon thing. Not feeling so festive. Wanting to cry. Again.
Oh Patience! You silly twit! You are a 55 year old, thoroughly married woman. Bill was in Chicago. (I don't know how that pertains, but he was.) You need to get out and laugh.
Right. On go the hairy support socks and the ancient dog show shoes. Under the lower-calf-length skirt. Out went the dogs, in went the dogs with their biscuits, Easy and Spice loose in the kitchen/dining room because that's where they are happiest, and off I drove to the Carson Center in the Warburton Whippet Wagon, sitting forward hunched against the steering wheel because I had a black blazer on and the seat back is covered with little white hairs, too.

The The Luther F. Carson Four Rivers (Performing Arts) Center is huge. They had thoughtfully stationed a volunteer outside the appropriate set of doors to direct wine tasting guests. I could see her reflection in the glass doors after I passed her. I saw her pleasant expression contort in shock and then register abject horror as her eyes swept down my retreating backside and arrived, unwillingly at the shabby shoes and hairy ribbed support socks.
So, me being me, as I greeted friends, acquaintances and complete strangers, I felt compelled to show them my hairy ribbed support socks and dog show shoes. "I couldn't find my pantyhose," I explained. As if this was a common occurrence to ladies everywhere dressing for vintner's luncheons.

As if.

But after all it was a charitable bunch of good souls. Everyone laughed good naturedly. And everyone felt better about their own appearance!

I aim to please.

hug your hairy hounds


  1. Hahaha.. Reminds me of the time I went to work with two different shoes. Oh, you heard me ;) They WERE technically "the same", but one from a new pair and the other one a couple of years old and ready for a replacement.. Sigh..

    hugs, Ane

  2. Oh no you did not! NO! (heh) [I recommend a professional massage.]

  3. This is what endears you to so many people. Only a Patience could pull this off. And, you can write funny.

  4. No one else but you! Glad you had a great time!
    Hugs & Snugs
    Eduardo the Snuggle Puggle

  5. You're my kind of girl, Patience. Except I am 15 years older than you, and you know what, it doesn't get any better, so just get used to it.

    Stella's Mom

  6. How could that be?? I agree with Bill, only you could pull it off.

  7. Loved it...Muzzer is famous (infamous) for taking one navy blue and one black pump on a business trip and wearing them daily for all four days..not realizing until she came home(!) that they didn't match. She said lots of people smiled at her and she thought they were really enjoying her presentations! Hehehe..good old muzzer

    gussie and Teak

  8. Francarrich from WWApril 22, 2009 at 2:05 PM

    I find it consoling to learn that there are other ladies who are as concerned about their dress as I am before a social event & who consider a wine tasting less interesting or important than blogging (or in my case Whippet Worlding). Anybody found my one decent pair of tights?

  9. And to think I missed all this while I was having lunch with a mezzo soprano and baritone who were attired with no animal hairs in sight. How boring!! Oh well, I didn't notice any dog hairs on you by Saturday night -- nice recovery!

  10. How ironic, dear Patience, that you who do not have "hairy" dogs have hairy socks and white-haired black jacket while we, who as you have pointed out, do have hairy dogs -- have just the occasional hair upon our clothes!!!

    A puzzlement!!!

    We laughed. We too would have felt compelled to show and tell.

    And we think you must discard that ancient mascara because it is definitely expired and not good for your eyes!!!

    (But keep the socks!!)

    Wirey love,

    Joan and the Barkies

  11. I would have loved to have seen the looks on people's faces as you explained this one. You are too funny.

  12. Martha and P-DoggyApril 22, 2009 at 5:44 PM

    Ah,yes the little white hairs..a common whippet-mom accessory! (and I think it's been 5yrs or so since I had a haircut-I just wad it all up in a hair clip,of which,yes,I have (almost!) every color! Sigh...

  13. Mom surely needed a good laugh today, Patience! Thank you so much!

    Love ya lots,
    Maggie and Mitch

  14. So glad you had a chance to get out and laugh..... and bring part of the dogs with you.

    Now we've had a chance to laugh! What must our dogs put up with?

    A smiling Stardusted

  15. Thanks for giving us a good laugh!
    Kisses and hugs

  16. And you wondered why I (so tactfully) suggested that you are known for your fashion sense!

    At least you own a pair of pantyhose, I threw all mine away after the last wedding or IBM meeting or whatever that I went to and declared, I will never wear pantyhose again!!!

  17. I think you're on to something! Hound collars with matching hairy socks for their people .... I'm sure soon to be a gold standard for all of us doggie servants. Thank you for making us howl with delight!

    Barbara and Stinker Stella the Whipbrador

  18. "Oh, who looks at shoes, I say."

    Rolling. Over. In. My. Grave.

    *I* need a glass of wine after that, and it's only 9:20 am in my time zone.

    Going to go lay down now.

  19. We wanna see a pic of you with your hairy support stockings!!!

  20. Hairy sox, may be a new fashion trend. My clothes are always covered in beautiful shades of dog. You certainly know how to tell a story. More, more!

  21. Somehow I knew Jenn would HAVE to comment on your shoes! My only comment regards the mascara - 3 yrs old? Ditch it and buy new - standard is to replace every 6 months - we don't want you with any eye health issues! :-)

  22. i love this post. good for you.


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