Monday, September 22, 2008

Poopouflage


That's my word for poop-camouflage. It happens every year in the autumn. It's a little early this year, because we are parched. And we had that pesky little wind storm, when Ike met a cold front right over Paducah.


It's about time I wrote a poop story for this blog. This is the dog poop story headquarters after all.

The dogs and I get up around 6:00 to 6:30 in the morning. In the blessed summertime (my time of year, and the dogs agree) I let the dogs out first thing, and then I walk around with my pooper scooper and do the First Scooping. The early morning sunlight is at a steep angle, casting poop shadows long and far. Everything twinkles. while whippets tinkle in the sparkly 'shine, life is grand and I wave to my friend Carol as she drives by on her way to work. I tend to eat a significantly smaller breakfast after being up close and personal with the dog's last meal, digestified, and the morning chore is done before I'm fully awake.


Alas, now it is much too dark to dare de-poopage at such an early hour. So the dogs go out and do their dooty, come in and eat breakfast, and then we start our walkies routine. After two hours of walking in shifts of two and three per walk, now I have to scoop. This is more of a chore. I am awake. I have to pee. I am eaten alive by desperate blood thirsty it's now or never end of season mosquitoes. And then, the ultimate frustration: poopouflage.


There are two trees around these parts that I hadn't heard of back east. The Hackberry (also known as "widow maker" and the Piss Elm (pronounced 'peeis elum'). One or both of those trees drop leaves which look exactly like little whippet poohs. And in the morning, shiny with dew, to my old, tri-focalled eyes these leaves are indistinguishable.


For instance, is this poop?


No! It is a leaf, masquerading as such


How about this?


Or this?


Is it one of Luciano's famous poop sculptures? Looch has an amazing gift, an unsurpassed talent at vertical pooh towers.


No, if you click to enlarge, you will see that they are all leaves. Tricky duplicitous Hackberry or Piss Elm deciduosities. You would think that I would have learned my lesson, but I don't think so well in the morning. In fact, I don't have a single articulate thought until after eleven. (Do note the time of publication of this blog entry! That explains it. Remember I am on USA central time.) So you would think that by now I would have figured that it is not the best plan to nudge the leaf with my Kroc to make sure it is a leaf. It never is. It is a mushy pooh and now I am gagging and retching because even after 54 years of stepping in pooh, oft times barefoot, I still can't stand it.


That's probably news to my neighbors, but there it is. I am fanatic about cleaning the stuff up, but I do not like it. I gag. So to the few of you who persist in leaving YOUR DOG's pooh on our property? I spew on you!!!! Stop it!!! I have quite enough of my own dogs' fecal gifts to gag over.


Sorry. I digressed.


So there you have it. Poopouflage. I did end up getting myself one of these:
It is my new very favorite article of clothing. I wore it to the Critter K walk. I came home from that and washed it and dried it and ironed it. I have never ironed a tee shirt in my life. Not once. But I ironed my Walks With Poop shirt and paired it up with black linen slacks and jewelry and wore it to our Dinner Club dinner. And then I wore it to the Neighborhood Pot Luck Cook Out last night and to the movies to see Bottle Shock.
I like it more than either of my wedding dresses.
hug your hounds

14 comments:

  1. poop not on you! loved your blog topic today....all too often we seem to talk poo around here..did so-and-so poop this morning? how about last night? who needs to go out and poop?

    all a bit too obsessed if you ask me.....not a day goes by that we do not mention the word several times! r

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  2. Love it! All too often my husband and I have complete conversations revolving around dog poo. Cody has a weak stomach so often are the times the neighbors see me following Cody around the yard to check the composition of his poo. I'm sure they use me as a yard stick to measure their sanity.

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  3. I'm letting Mum take over the comments on this occassion.. I don't (and never will) worry about poop, thats her job!

    Ben xxx

    Hi Patience..

    Sorry but your post made me laugh so much.. you know the insane kind of laugh when you totally relate to something!
    I'm sure our neighbours must think we have a secret stash of dogs in this house, no way would anyone believe we just have the one. Ben produces enough poop to easily fool them into thinking we have at least 8!!
    It's not so much the "not recognising it" that is my problem.. it's the sheer volume and Ben's timing.
    I can take him on a three hour walk but i guarantee that he will save enough to decorate the garden on our return.
    Poop patrol is an all day job!
    Early morning poop, post walk poop, lunchtime poop, another post walk poop, dinnertime poop, yet another post walk poop and the all important bedtime poop.
    All the above will involve several stategically placed piles.. and if we have guests.. then there is the added.. special poop seconds before the guest arrives.. which is ALWAYS done right in front of the gate/door

    but the most annoying poop of all is the ... "oh you just cleaned up all my poop and got done washing your hands.. guess what i'm not quite done poop"

    I can feel myself beginning to rant.. I should stop now..

    basically..

    I feel your pain

    (oh and I still *gag* at each and every pile of poop despite owning large dogs for 25 years!!)

    Sue xxxxx

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  4. I tried but couldn't finish reading your poop-filled blog today. I have a surprise for you on Sunday you wont believe. Stay tuned...

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  5. Funny! Our poopoflage is in the form of pine cones around here. Not the ones that are clearly pine cones but those skinny little ones. They look just like dog poop especially when it's dark outside. Love the shirt.

    Christina

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  6. Mom hates when the leaves hide our poop piles too! She thinks she's safe because she doesn't see them and thinks she's gotten them all and then she slides through one and squishes into another and we hear the HBO word very clearly! It's one of the only things that she doesn't like about autumn!

    Love ya lots,
    Maggie and Mitch

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  7. You know my mom has the exact same problem!!

    She has some special "out in the back yard" shoes that can be hosed off real easily !!

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  8. I guess that we are lucky to live in the desert with no real trees then! Ours show up nicely against our dead back yard and random patches of grass. The only thing we have to worry about is pomegranates. then again, if our poo comes out looking like a pomegranate I think we have bigger problems...

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  9. Hehehehe, it's that time of year here too. The leaves are falling like crazy & hiding our poo. They also hide the big deer poo piles & Mama really hates stepping in those.
    Luv & Wirey Hugs!
    Butchy, Snickers & Ruby

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  10. Tee hee... I hate it in winter when I have to either bring a flash light or pay VERY close attention to find the poop on our walkies.. LOL!


    Ane

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  11. I know that experience only too well, Patience. I have a Stag Horn Sumac which drops leaves all over the same lawn as the dogs drop poo. If I'm lucky I pick up a leaf in mistake of a doggy offering, if not, well I'm sure you know what it's like to come in from the garden & realise there is a strange smell & a trail through into the kitchen & it's all over the sole of your shoe - OH YUK!

    Love the T shirt!

    Carol.

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  12. we have gravel which is just as good at impersonating poo! and dave the puppy can poo for england! he eats 4 meals a day but somehow inside him is a poo duplicating machine so he leaves 8 piles...

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