Monday, December 10, 2007

The Christmas Party

The folks who do agility in my Kennel Club get together for some holiday cheer, and since this was my first year ever to enter an agility trial, they kindly invited me.

We met at a restaurant just down the street from my house, The Pork Peddler. It is a very popular “home-style” type of eatery with a huge buffet of southern delectables. I had skipped lunch in eager anticipation.

I should never be allowed at an “all you can eat” buffet. I have no restraint. Oh, I eat the salad to be healthy. The salad with the huge chunks of real, sugar cured bacon, and the thick goopy salad dressing, and a little lettuce. Then there was the southern food: “cooked down” green beans (more bacon, or ham hocks or something yummy), buttermilk biscuits, corn (sweetened and buttered) collard greens and more bacon and lard for flavor, mashed potatoes with home style gravy, deep fried okra, ham, turkey, dressing, barbequed pork and ribs. And then seconds because I hadn’t noticed the corn on the first round and I needed more cranberry for my turkey and then I needed more turkey and dressing for the cranberry. And then, while I was on a roll: dessert. Bread pudding with thick vanilla sauce, coconut cream pie, pecan pie, cherry cobbler and some other stuff that I can’t remember because I was in a sugar and fat induced ketoacidotic stupor.

Then we loaded up and headed to club member Cathy’s house for more merriment and a gift exchange. They play “Dirty Santa” which isn’t what it sounds like – no thongs for Mrs. Claus, much to my prudish relief. Everyone who wants to play brings a wrapped gift, and then each gift giver picks a number out of a hat. The picker of number one picks a gift and opens it. Number two may either steal number one’s gift, or open another one. If number seven steals number two’s gift, then number two can steal anyone else’s or open a new one. It’s really fun!

There was one problem. I got this party confused with another party, and I thought we were supposed to bring gag gifts. Now, dear readers, I ask you to put yourself in my unenviable place for a moment. I’m the only new face at the party. I have eaten approximately four pounds, six ounces more fat-and-sugar-laden food than my stomach could hold in my wildest dreams. People are opening artfully gift-wrapped presents and they are plush dog beds, luscious blankets, and gorgeous leashes with agility motifs. The gag present I brought, wrapped in black tissue paper, is still under the tree. My stomach started to churn.

It was my turn. Beginner’s luck, I had drawn a high number, third from last. I had little beads of sweat forming on my upper lip, though I was chilled to the bone. Cold sweat. What to do? I couldn’t think. My stomach was making alarming acrobatic tumbles. My dufus present was still under the tree. Maybe it would never be opened and no one would ever know. I wanted to be part of the gang, to play along, oh my God my gut, I can’t think. In a panic, I did what the last three players had done; I stole the biggest, most cushy dog bed. Well, it did match my dining room d├ęcor perfectly. The moment I sat back down, I realized my mistake. I should have picked my own lame present and refused to open it. Oh rats and rats, why hadn’t I thought of that in time?

The last person just happened to be a very kind person who has been so supportive and helpful to me. Please, oh please take this cushy dog bed from me! Please don’t take my lame-o gag gift from under the tree. The last gift to choose, thus ending the game and leaving you, kind person who has helped me so much, with my lame-o stink-o gag gift. Oh my stomach!

But this is a kind, polite, earnest person. She would not steal someone else’s lovely gift. No, with a trusting, sweet smile, she takes my gift from under the tree. I wanted to crawl under my beautifully upholstered antique Queen Ann’s chair and hurl barbeque and bread pudding all over myself. Instead, I blurted out, “I was confused! I thought we were supposed to bring gag gifts!” and then, I started to laugh hysterically.

This person is so nice, so dear, that after she opened the candle which looks just like life sized dog poo, she said, “Oh!” and then when she opened the calendar which has full color images of dog poo on every page, she said, “Well, I need a calendar! Oh my. Dog poop? Oh my!”

I gave her back the gorgeous chenille throw which I had dirtily stolen from her (I left that part out, too shamed to include it). My dear, kind friends returned the plush bed which they had stolen from me and took the poop candle and calendar, presumably for the Kennel Club Christmas Party Fund Raising Auction tomorrow night.

I will be bidding on the poo items at the auction. If I have to donate my whole Christmas budget to the good of the Kennel Club, I will do that. But that dog poop calendar and that dog poop candle is coming home with me.


  1. Hey Pee,

    You can always send me the poo candle and calendar..You know I make good use of them, LOL.


  2. I'm sorry, but that candle is just ace!! And that sounds like just the thing I would have done too!

  3. Well, my Jeannie loved the Poop Candle, she got all happy when she saw your picture of it on your blog, she really wanted such a thing!

    Fun presents are always much better than the boring grown up stuff.

    No worries, be yourself! That was a fun Poopy post, we loved it!

    Its the sort of situation my Jeannie always finds herself in, we could write a book on her faux pas!

    love and laughing licks, Marvin xxxxx

  4. Oh that's funny. I am sure they understood though. Poor you

  5. been there, done something similar.


  6. What a funny story! By the way!you and Bill looked very classy last night! HOT HOT HOT!! VC

  7. I was squirming as I read your post, I totally felt for you having been in a few situations like that myself.

    Karen :)

  8. Oh We laughed ouw heads off..that sounds like something Mommi would do,hehehwe could pictoowe the whole evening..we also dweweled all ovew the pootew while weading about the low cal foods(Mommi wants to know how come you'we lean like youw bootiful whippets and not chunky like hew?)

    SamI Am..thank you fow that wondewful have the softest lipses evew...
    smoochie kisses

  9. I LOVE THAT CANDLE! Seriously, my name is Joe Stains and that candle is so my kind of thing.

  10. The poop candle is super! I'd love to have one. Sure my family would be annoyed but... who cares?
    Have a good night

  11. Who could possibly complain? Poop without odor and having to scoop! Honestly, if it had been picked earlier it might have been making the stealing rounds itself. I did the same thing with a work exchange. No, not poop, a chia pet. It was actually very popular.

  12. They had you there and that was the best gift of all!
    You are so genuine, honest and real - thank God for the unpretentious in this world, but having said that I'll bet you could pass for Royalty any day!

    You also need to eat in HUGE quantities when you have nine dogs to walk (you MUST put fuel on the fire!)

  13. We love your poop candle! It's so neat!

    Love ya lots,
    Maggie and Mitch

  14. Very funny and authentic. It's so wonderful that you can find humor in just about any situation. I do feel for your poor Whippets though. My mom embarrasses me all the time. and when I slink away (as only Whippets can slink)my mom tells me to lighten up. I do hope your doggy circle has room for one more. Even though I am a female, I tend to be a bit of a tomboy and do enjoy a game of poker and a cigar every now and then.

    P.S. I don't have my own blog yet.

  15. I really felt for you, reading that! I'm sure your friends know you well enough now to see the funny side. And who could fail but see the funny side of that dog-poop candle? It's fantastic, I wish you could get them in the UK!

    If I were you, I'd put them on Ebay with your other items and see the orders roll in from this side of the pond....

  16. Oh my god...this is hysterical! Thanks for the laughs today, Patience! xo

  17. Hi Patience,

    I am now a new fan :) Great story telling! Oh poop happens :)


  18. MyDeawestSamI Am
    I wead youw poem to my Mommi..and you know what??she's only shoes, and besides she says she's the one who left them out..
    Sam I am , that is the sweetest thought..I will think of you with the wain dwops and feel good too..what a good feeling to be wawmed by love
    smoochie kisses to you and all youw family

  19. SamI Am
    If I want to send you a pee mail..should I use the place whewe youw Patience sells hew book???
    ow whewe
    can you pee mail it to me pleez
    Thanks evew so much
    smoochie kisses and sweet dweams

  20. hmmm...i have been seriously considering the exact same gift combination for one of my best friends....!!! the calendar is great, and it's not like it's one of those fragrant candles...

  21. OK, so I have a really bad cold, am knocking myself out trying to get ready for a 60 person party on Saturday that I have agreed to host. In general, I feel awful and really need a pick-me-up. So I say to myself, "I'm gonna pop in on Patience". I laughed and laughed, I feel so much better. You are Precious, that's what you are.


    I saw this post and thought it would be a a great gift for next year's party!

    It's better to be known for something obscure than nothing at all!


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