Friday, September 25, 2009

This Blasted Year!

[If this is your first visit to this blog, do me a favor and scroll down and look for "Readers' Choices on the right. Pick any of those stories. Just skip this. Please.]

Oh.

I shouldn't say I can't wait until this year is over. I'll never get that time back, after all, now will I?

But.

I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THIS YEAR IS OVER.

Just a brief recap. And I'll run it all together and zip right through it because it's not cheery and fun and who wants to read it all, but I want to RANT and it's my blog and I truly do try to keep you Dear Readers in mind but here I go anyway and you can just skip this and come back later.

Last November I took Maria in for some tummy troubles and we found a big awful mass and I took her body to be cremated that day instead of bringing her home and in December I was talking to my dear friend, Carolyn, on the phone, hearing her cheerful voice rising above her glioblastoma, and she said "Greg is sleeping too late, I'm going to wake him up," and then Ping called me to tell me that when Carolyn went to wake him, she found her husband, her best friend in kindergarten, she found him dead, and when she asked me if I would take Easy and Spice "after" I said I'd be proud to, and I prayed that Easy would defy all odds and outlive his beloved Carolyn, which he did.
And then in one week in the end of March Carolyn died and I was glad I had been there for her birthday just weeks before, and my sister was admitted for 'constipation' which was oh by the way stage four ovarian cancer, and my shadow my Giacomino days shy of fifteen couldn't rely on his legs anymore and I held him and kissed him and SCREAMED all the way to the crematorium and I called Bill on the way home and SCREAMED I CAN'T STOP SCREAMING.
And he helped.
And I did what it took to reactivate my RN license and I worked the 12 hour shifts for free as part of the refresher course and the job that was promised turned out to be 7 pm to 7 am and you know what? No. Been there, done that. So I still don't have a job, no I wasn't let go I never started and then Spice's eye bugged out, her beautiful sweet eye, and I knew that Easy's every day is a miracle, but I was going to make Carolyn proud and
Spice was going to live to sixteen and then there I was again driving back to the damn
crematorium town, only a different facility because I could NOT WOULD NOT go back to the screaming place.
I got my first EVER rejection for a piece of writing, well I guess I was due, but the timing sure sucks.
And now my Mama Pajama has elevated pancreatic enzymes and this morning I made her yelp trying to pry her mouth open to take her meds and she wouldn't eat boiled chicken even and oh I'm scared and I cannot post something cheery
here.
I'm sorry.
I will be glad when this year is over.
hug your hounds

30 comments:

  1. Sounds like a damn good reason to be glad when the year is over. But you know, wonder what next year will bring. I am so sorry that you had to undergo all those sad experiences. I want to work too, but I know I can't start at the bottom again, so I purposely don't reup my license.
    QMM

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  2. What an awful, awful series of events. When it rains, it pours. (((hugs)))

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  3. I don't have words to make this better or even livable. I am just so sorry and wish you peace.

    Sue

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  4. << Hugs >>

    Thinking of you,

    Mel

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  5. What a horrible year! I think we'll all be happy this one is over, for different reasons...


    Love and hugs,
    Rudy

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  6. Hi Patience. Your life has been made better by the joy of each of their friendship. And you will continue to miss them. But also remember how much you enhanced their lives. Remember how your love made each one of their lives more joyful in times of joy and bearable in times of sorrow. Their time here on earth was more complete because of you. Cherish the memories. Thinking of you, wishing I had words to help, and sending special love to Mama Pajama.

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  7. Dear Patience I had been out of town and just got caught up on your September posts. I was unaware of Spice's passing until today. So sorry it has been hard for you this year!! But I am sure there was much celebrating in Heaven and a joyful reunion. Oh I am teary eyed now. The post about Spice made me remember by late poodle, Porter, a dignified gentleman, who I adopted when he was 11 years old after his Mom passed away. He had a heart condition and the vet said he would not last a year due to his being heartbroken over the passing of his Mama. Well, he lived to be almost 17 and was loved and is still missed every day. His Mama probably wondered what took him so long to come to her. I say it was love. Sending hugs your way, xoxo

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  8. So sorry to hear that you year has been such a terrible one. I hope 2010 is a better one for you.

    -Katie Dawn

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  9. Dearest Patience,

    I saw the note on FB, and was hoping it wasn't serious -- but oh my dear you have had more than your share of unbearable loss. Screaming doesn't begin to encompass it.

    I ache for you. And all I can send you is this long, long,long very tight hug.

    Joan

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  10. dear patience, all i can send are my hopes for comfort and to keep you in my prayers.
    hugs,
    puglette

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  11. So many people and dogs have been blessed by your strength. Yes, that does make it hard on you, and YES you are entitled to whine about it and complain and scream to the heavens about it. But for your every grief, you have lightened someone else's load. So, I guess, in the end it is worth it?

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  12. I know you know I feel for you and wish the future holds nothing but good news... I wish it was something that I could DO - rather than sitting here crying.

    Big hugs
    Ane

    Oh - and purrs and snorts and tailwags from the boys. <3

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  13. I prowled in from Nicola's place... here's a virtual pat from a cat as well.

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  14. Mixed in with all the sorrow I know there were good things, too -- because I am a faithful reader. It sounds so trite, but dwell on those. For example, think about your son and his success with his horses and Ben's birthday party and the beauty of Paducah after the ice storm (but not the clean-up), the joy of Laurie finishing her own very first champion that she wouldn't even have, if not for you and I know there were more, lots more... That will help you get through it. Not over it. Never get over it because carrying pain around in our hearts is what makes us human -- but through it.

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  15. I compare what you are going through to trying to breathe under water. There's so much pressure pushing down and you just can't get enough air. It's best to just talk, talk, talk it out...and be with the ones who love you and think about your blessings.
    Supportive thoughts sent your way.

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  16. Patience,

    Hugs from me as well. On top of all this you have had the incredable strength to encourage me also. And you are writing wonderful work. You amaze me.

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  17. An honest and moving post, thank you. If I could I would hold you, scream with you and make you a cup of tea. Sending love to all of you.

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  18. Yes, definitely not the best year for you, but it will get better-really it will! We are sending you big hugs from the staff and hundreds of poodle kisses from us.

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  19. I cannot wait for this year to end. If there was something good about it, I don't remember it except your graciousness when my husband and I dropped in on you unannounced. You are a wonderful person and God has tested you enough. You've passed with flying colors. You brighten my life as you do for so many others. So when I talk to God in my garden I will not be afraid to say, enough already for Patience. She's a good person and deserves peacefullness.

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  20. I want to send you hugs and the will to go back and re-read Linda Z's letter which was just so beautiful and perfect.

    Also you can have a holler at us anytime you damn please. I will read every word of everything you want to say and after I do, I will refer you back to Linda Z's letter.

    So go for it, and accept our love and good wishes for that well known "better day".

    Jo and Stella the Borador

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  21. A hundred thousand hugs from here. And several doggy kisses and waggy tails too.

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  22. After more than one year like you described, losing significant other, two dogs and three cats in what seemed like rapid succession, I was sure I'd had enough. Then, a greyhound found me...You've had a horrible year. I'd tell you what you tell us...hug your hounds..and hang in.

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  23. We love you Patience!
    Kisses and hugs to you!
    Lorenza and mom

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  24. We are sending lots of healing and strength vibes to you and Mama. We are sorry :(

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  25. You have mom in tears! This has been one tough year for you, Patience!
    We love you!

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  26. I'm a bit late catching up on posts... I'm so sorry!!! HUGE hugs to you and your whippies... from me and my whippies :)

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  27. Have you heard the song "Fight like a girl" yet? It's a keeper and one we can all relate to, I think of you whenever I hear it played on the radio!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRWZ1A-CbJA

    Melissa & the Chocolates from WI

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  28. We hugged our hounds. Now we want to hug you. You are one amazing woman, Patience.

    Love
    Jake and Fergi's moma xxxooo

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