Thursday, January 21, 2010

Swede William Speaks

[Regular readers of this blog will note that I rarely dare -- presume -- to put words into the whippets' mouths. But. Every rule is made to be broken.]

Ja. My world is topsy-turvy upside down. The crazy servant has flipped her big bottom and I suffer as a result. You read my saddest story and tell me what to do.

I am an honorable dog who loves the life, ja? You ask anyone, I love all. Strange hairy dogs hump me and do I bite? No I don't. I don't bark at doggy visitors outside our fence, no. Besides, I am the best show dog ever, see this?

Oh the handsomeness of me. See the Judge? He is saying, "Never have I seen such an excellent example of whippet perfection!" He was so overwhelmed he nearly fainted. And the servant. Just look at her beaming with happiness and pride and big belly bursting. Ja. Swede William you're so wonderful. I hear that all the time from the wacko.

Now, recently our servant has got some kind of lostheimer's disease. She does not wait for me to gently wake her up with my lovely songs to make us breakfast. No. Now the dumma feta kossa gets up before light and leaves us. Day after day. And then she can't find her way back to us until long after dark.

It is a great concern.

So, being a good kind dog I try to help. I mark my glorious essence all over the house so she can smell her way home. Does she say Oh Swede William I thank you for your generous sacrifice of your precious bodily fluid for my safety and well-being? Does she say that? NO!

She puts a torture bucking strap on my private delicious parts!!! (Hide the young puppies' eyes from this next photo which will make their dreams too frightening.)

First it was every dog with a winky. Now it is just me. The torture.

And then last night when she went to teach MY class at MY Kennel Club and FORGOT TO TAKE ME, once again I did my best even with the bucking strap around my marvelousness to help her find her way home. I marked upstairs and down, soaking the torturous madness fastened around my spectacular bits.

Did she thank me for my efforts?

No she did not. She showed me where my helpful fluids were decoratively sprinkled. And she flipped out. I haven't seen such abominable behavior since I suggested to Luciano that he share his rawhide chewy. She told me it was unacceptable. That I knew better, dammit. That This has to stop.

Here I am with my head on her enormous hind leg. I tried to tell her I was trying to help. My girlfriend, Teka, pointed out that for all anyone knew Luciano could be getting back at me for that chewy incident and he could be peeing on my bucking strap to incriminate my perfectly innocent Swedish self.

I have one thing I would like to say to the servant.

I don't know how to say it in English, but in Swedish it is phhhfffftttt!! And there is wetness involved.

Oh I won't because I am a good dog. But how do I let my servant know that her being lost is unacceptable. That she knows better, dammit. That This has to stop.

What's a dog to do?

hump your humans, especially the lostheimers ones


  1. Dear Swede W, I feel your pain! I (and my newest "brother" Che) can fully appreciate your valiant efforts,only to have them ignored (sort of like our avian friend Shadow yelling "stop it,No! as the white terror cockatoo screams one pays attention..sigh) Servants can be SO dense sometimes!

  2. Swede. At least she's wrapping your naughty bits in an attractive print. You look quite fetching, really. Do you fetch? I know she'll forgive you, I just know it.

  3. Oh Swede William, you are breaking my heart! Your servant is trying so very hard to make sure she can afford your very fine meals and your whippetmobile and soft blankets and treats and all the other things that don't come free no matter how much a servant loves her whippet. So she must leave you for some long days to be a servant to a cor-por-a-tion which will give her money to buy those things. And I do believe she leaves the manservant there to cater to your needs.

    So, even though you are so VERY considerate by providing an elegantly odiferous fragrance to guide her home, and I KNOW you do it with the very, very best intent, I believe your servant would prefer you left your gift outside the house.

    If you are worried about her lostheimers, you could perhaps trade in some of Luciano's rawhide chewies for a GPS or some other tracking device to steer her home.

    Hugs to you AND your servant.

  4. Oh, my poor sweet Willy Yum....I weep at your sadness. I know how it is to be unappreciated by the uprights. They do not appreciate our efforts to wake them early so they can see the beautiful mornings. They do not appreciate that we sacrifice the essence of our selves to draw them closer to home.

    Belive me, my darling, when I take over the world, you will be the first prisoner of the uprights that I release. We can rule together, and eliminate the hairy dogs who taunt us. We can maintain the heat in our home so that we are comfortable and not always so cold.

    But please, could you hang on to the belly band and bow tie, so I can have my own private Chip and Dale show?

    In Gratitude
    your Teka Toy

  5. Oh, Swede William, you make me cry, and laugh. You don't mind that I laugh do you? It's just that we humans find you all so endearing. And what I think your big brown eyes are really saying is, "I miss my mama!" Of course you do, and she knows that. As do we. But she has forgiven you already because you have shown her how to do that. Remember, she'll find her way home always because you are her home.

    Never fret, dear.

  6. Poor Swede William. Poor Patience. But absolutely hilarious blog post. LOL.

  7. Oh we mourn your lost servant, but we know the servant is out there making beaucoup Kronor in order to keep you and your friends in the style to which you are accustomed (just like our devoted servant). We also say to your servant, Bravissimo!! for handling this wetness! There are other poor canines out in the world who are given up or treated very shamefully for that very reason, so be thankful your servant found a solution to your issue. Our Pack Member, Jeter, is in your same boat, so buck up o Swedish one, and hang in there!!! Hopefully the servant can focus more attention to which you are accustomed to soon!!! We love you!! xoxo Toby, Ginger, Halle and Jeter

  8. I know how you feel, Swede. I've done all that too but it doesn't help one bit. The human still comes home late. But if you've successfully tried a new trick, please share it with me.

  9. Oh William sometimes a dog just have to do his best even if the hoomans just doesn't appreciate it...


  10. thanks for the chuckle this morning! cute story. pretty and pampered dog!

  11. Good luck, Swede William! Surely she will find her way home someday. Until then, stay strong!

  12. humans are the total work of the devil, take no notice of their peculiarites - Swede William - just be thankful to be. Or to Bee.


    Marvin who is kinda Zen tonight!

    lotsalicks, Marv xxxxx

  13. Laughing hysterically....

    but never at you Swede William...

    You are trying your best....

    Sagehound's Human

  14. Maybe it's just his inside the house version of writing your name in the snow? That would be an amazing declaration of his deepest love for you. Or UTI? I tried my best excuses, Swede, I guess you're just going to have to hold it. Stinker Stella the Whiprador.

  15. Oh my, that first shot looks do uncomfortable

  16. You are speaking my language and I have never even been to Sweden. We all have our reasons for staining, and yours are sound and just.

  17. Wonderful story..believable too except their is nothing fat about his servant...knock it off servant!

  18. Sometimes a guy just has to have the last word, right Swede? I hope the servant feels right laid out by your eloquent defense.

  19. Funny post, but if this is a new behavior, have you ruled out a UTI?

  20. Poor baby. I can remember when Sophie was going thru this. We had her in dog diapers and she kept chasing the diaper. We finally did the right thing and had her spayed. Now, we have Patty who is just under 6 months old so here we go again!

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  22. dear mr william
    i have never met a swedish dog before so i am proud to count you among my friends! i don't like the sound of the torture garment. luckily i do not (yet) have your leaky problem, although at my age it cannot be far away.
    i wish you the best of luck with training your servant.
    joker the lurcher


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