How to Walk Dogs Backwards

Stella asked how we manage to walk three dogs, backwards, while filming, as seen in the video on the previous post.

It's easy. I am a marvellous dog trainer. I wish I could share my secrets with you, but really it is an inborn talent. A gift. Like charisma, this can't be taught or learned, it just is.

the end-
Patience

Who's training whom????

[Sam I Am here. I've distracted the Dear Servant momentarily. (No great challenge there, bless her heart. As the humans say in these parts. It translates into: the woman hasn't got a single bone to chew on.) We let her think that she has some magical gift of whatever she was talking about. It makes her feel good about herself, and honestly she has so little to feel good about that every little bit helps.

Here is the real scoop. The Elders tell me that in the Olden Times they all walked together in fields and woods full of every sort of delectable vermin. They speak of fox, groundhogs, bunnies, evil squirrellies, and something magical called deer. Of course the Elders knew that the Servant was crippled, blind, and senseless, so they would allow her to tether herself to them so she wouldn't get lost. As clumsy as she was, even back in her relative youth, more often than not she would land with an 'ooph' on her bouncy belly whenever the vermin were sighted.

A large, gelatinous, human anchor. Screaming obscenities with her face in the mud. (Makes me giggle just a little bit to think of it. Silly human.)

Here and now we walk in this city. No fields, unless she drives us to the Kennel Club. No fox, no groundhogs, no magical deer. (I sure would like to chase one of those one day; they sound great!) Plenty of Evil City Squirrellies who show no respect, Evil C.A.T.s who are V.I.L.E., loose dogs who are danger-danger-dangerous, and lots of cars and trucks.

She doesn't walk us all at once any more. She makes us take Turns. I get two turns because I have taken my Great Uncle Giacomino's place and she can't stand to be away from me for a minute and a half. When it's not our Turn we wait in our Dog Room and get a biscuit and howl our heads off to let her know how stinky not-our- Turns are.

It's taken us eight years, but we finally trained her. She used to (close your ears, Dogs, this is for the humans only) jerk on our necks and froth at the mouth and yell something which made no sense like nonobaddogs or some such unintelligible nonsense. Of course we payed absolutely NO attention to this demonstration of human stupidity; we barked louder and pulled harder. REALLY! I mean. She's not a bad human, but, sigh, she is a human.

One day she had a treat in her pocket. We were dutifully alerting her to the danger of a horrid, rabid, stinkypoopbutt C.A.T. at the top of our lungs and she was getting ready to behave badly. I said, "Hey Idiot Servant! You have treats in your pocket. They might be more interesting than that ol' stinkypoopbutt C.A.T."

She didn't get it (no surprise) so I bumped her pocket with my wonderful long skinny nose.

HELLO!!! LIGHTBULB!!! The human thinks she has a GREAT IDEA!!! Don't you just love them? So now our walks are a treat a minute. We don't pull her? We get a treat. We don't bark our heads off? We get more treats. Treats treats treats!!!

Yah, life is good. We can still bark our heads off at anything we want when we're in our Yard. Unless she's near the Flying Object Of Doom (she calls it the plastic watering can). Then we just run to her instead, and... GET TREATS!!! They are so easy to train if you are consistent and get on their level.


goose your humans-

Sam I Am]

Where In The World Are The Servants?

We can feel her sad heart from very far away missing us terribly. We feel his heart full of wine and olive oil and happiness and not giving us a second thought.

We don't know where they are, or how they could possibly be managing without us???

Our Molly is here, spoiling us rotten and is more than generous with treats, but where are our servants?

worried wags from the whippets

Have you seen them?

Party! (by the whippets)

[editor's note: Some stories are better told through the dogs' eyes. This is one. Normally I don't dare put words in my dogs' mouths, but occasionally they put their thoughts in mine, and I channel. Enjoy!]



So way back when the outdoors was very warm and grassy and there were sunbaths all day, the Servant's niece came with suitcases and lived in the Guest Room. Only Very Old Dog and Maria had known her when they were tiny pups. She came smelling of Big Dogs and love and sadness and we adored her right away. She is the Molly person.

And then when the leaves were to lie on and there were crispy zoomy mornings and the daylight was stingier, the Molly person left our Guest Room, but we sniffed her in the neighborhood and she came to visit us often and every time she did we raised a big ruckus and had a big howl to let her know she should move back into the Guest Room. But she didn't, so we just kept on raising bigger ruckusses and having louder howls when we heard her come in.

Last night the Servants had a Big Party, for this:


Now some gentle scaredy dogs might want to cover their eyes for this part. While our yard gate and our front door were open for the guests' arrivals, the idiot Servant put us in our dog room off the kitchen. So we couldn't take the perfect opportunity to clear the neighborhood of Evil Kitties in the streets.

The person Molly's friend took pity on us.


And then, and then, oh it hurts our hearts to report this, but our Servant is so senile that she forgot us in there when there was ingestation of many, many foods to share. The Manservant wore a party hat from Turkey. Fitting.

Persons were eating in many parts of our house. The person Molly wore a party hat because the humans needed help identifying the Party Girl, we suppose.

We were rescued by our One and Only Jeannie, whom we adore. She took pity on us and let us join in the party and we got to lick so many plates and Italian sausage serving bowls and stuffed up shells pans and all of the peoples wanted to be the ones giving us the wonderfullness and we encouraged this in them and rewarded their behavior mightily. Lucky for our Servant she gave us the stuffed up shells pan, so we immediately forgave her.

Much mutual adoration followed. Can you see the most excellent job Luciano did of leaving little white whippety hairs on Audra's pants to remember all of us by? Look at the intense love fest between our Karen (who rescued us when the manservant went to the winky doctor in Nashville), and Sam I Am. Or maybe Karen is trying to have Sam I Am for dessert? How many weight watchers' points is a Sammy I Ammy? Anyway, happy birthday from us to the person Molly whom we love.

And tonight is Maria's birthday party and we hear there might be MEATLOAF and CAKE involved!!! Stay tuned!

Hug your humans, even the senile ones who lock you up sometimes and forget... they're only human after all.

What We Do While the Servant Works

Our Servant works in a little room in our house.


We do this:



This is in the Servant's little work room. Lindy Loo looks like she is moving, but she is sound asleep. You can just see the casters on the Servant's computer chair. My Great, great Uncle Giacomino is never ever far from the Servant, no matter what. He gets dibs on the nearest space.

This is the next door room to the Servant's Work Closet. If Fat Charlie gets uncovered he goes and stares at the Servant. She is so dense, she can't figure out if it's an "I'm hungry" stare, or an
"I have to go out" stare, or an "I need covers" stare. So after she's given him a biscuit and opened the door for him, as he stares at her going, "Nooooo, that's not it," then she gets it and goes back upstairs and covers him up.

Maria and Looch are really good at barking if a little tiny piece of them gets uncovered. The Servant gets that. Sometimes they uncover a little part on purpose just to see her jump up from whatever she's doing. Plus they get a kiss.

And here I am looking so handsome with my Great Aunt Mama Pajama. This is a rather soggy place to be, because Great Aunty has a Condition and can leak copiously. But I don't mind and it is an honor to be allowed to snuggle with her. She never asks for anything besides food, food, food, and the Servant covers her up just because. I am Tough and I don't need no steenkin' covers.

Hoping all dogs are staying toasty warm out there-

Sam I Am