Swede William Speaks

[Regular readers of this blog will note that I rarely dare -- presume -- to put words into the whippets' mouths. But. Every rule is made to be broken.]



Ja. My world is topsy-turvy upside down. The crazy servant has flipped her big bottom and I suffer as a result. You read my saddest story and tell me what to do.

I am an honorable dog who loves the life, ja? You ask anyone, I love all. Strange hairy dogs hump me and do I bite? No I don't. I don't bark at doggy visitors outside our fence, no. Besides, I am the best show dog ever, see this?

Oh the handsomeness of me. See the Judge? He is saying, "Never have I seen such an excellent example of whippet perfection!" He was so overwhelmed he nearly fainted. And the servant. Just look at her beaming with happiness and pride and big belly bursting. Ja. Swede William you're so wonderful. I hear that all the time from the wacko.

Now, recently our servant has got some kind of lostheimer's disease. She does not wait for me to gently wake her up with my lovely songs to make us breakfast. No. Now the dumma feta kossa gets up before light and leaves us. Day after day. And then she can't find her way back to us until long after dark.

It is a great concern.

So, being a good kind dog I try to help. I mark my glorious essence all over the house so she can smell her way home. Does she say Oh Swede William I thank you for your generous sacrifice of your precious bodily fluid for my safety and well-being? Does she say that? NO!

She puts a torture bucking strap on my private delicious parts!!! (Hide the young puppies' eyes from this next photo which will make their dreams too frightening.)

First it was every dog with a winky. Now it is just me. The torture.

And then last night when she went to teach MY class at MY Kennel Club and FORGOT TO TAKE ME, once again I did my best even with the bucking strap around my marvelousness to help her find her way home. I marked upstairs and down, soaking the torturous madness fastened around my spectacular bits.

Did she thank me for my efforts?

No she did not. She showed me where my helpful fluids were decoratively sprinkled. And she flipped out. I haven't seen such abominable behavior since I suggested to Luciano that he share his rawhide chewy. She told me it was unacceptable. That I knew better, dammit. That This has to stop.

Here I am with my head on her enormous hind leg. I tried to tell her I was trying to help. My girlfriend, Teka, pointed out that for all anyone knew Luciano could be getting back at me for that chewy incident and he could be peeing on my bucking strap to incriminate my perfectly innocent Swedish self.


I have one thing I would like to say to the servant.

I don't know how to say it in English, but in Swedish it is phhhfffftttt!! And there is wetness involved.

Oh I won't because I am a good dog. But how do I let my servant know that her being lost is unacceptable. That she knows better, dammit. That This has to stop.

What's a dog to do?

hump your humans, especially the lostheimers ones

Whippet's Fun Monday on Tuesday

(For my Fun Monday, scroll down please.)

The whippets wanted to post their own Fun Monday video:

Something is Up...

Hello, it's Very Old Dog here. This is me on the right, walking with my Lady Maria so you know who's talking.

My name is Giacomino (phonetically speaking 'Jocko MEEN') or Beans for short.

Something is fishy around here. We think it might be something that the C-A-T did. Or not. Our Servant was sprucing up everything and putting name tags on our downstairs crates. This is usually Good News as it usually foretells of a Trip. I always get to go on the Trips, unless the Senile Servant forgets me. I do worry that she'll forget me.

They've been all preoccupied with Benign Potatoes Hyper Trophies and all they talk about is TUNA, TUNA, TUNA. And the manservant has been uncharacteristically jumpy and worried and they've set the alarm for FOUR AM. The weirdest thing is I heard them talking about going to Nashville for the TUNA. I know they've gotten tuna in Paducah before, because the Servant pours the juice from the can over our food and we LOVE it, so why would they drive two and a half hours each way for TUNA? And leave at O-dark-thirty in the morning?

But the Servant is so Senile and starkers, that nothing would surprise us at this point. In her big rant post she quoted Senator McGovern and called him Senator McCarthy... Woooo weeee talk about fractured fairy tails!!! Luckily a blogger named Nat whose fingers are still connected to his brain pointed out her error, so she fixed it right away on the rant. Of course she had already written her two senators and her representative quoting Senator McCarthy's Washington Post editorial... You should see just how red she can blush, and just how long it stays. Silly Senile Servant! Trying so hard to do the right thing and being so human and fallible! I gave her extra snuggles for that, and Sam I Am did too. but she's human so she's still embarrassed and mad at herself.

The good news is that our really good friend and neighbor Karen came calling today, and the Servant showed her where all our treats and biscuits are. So if they do go on a Trip to Nashville for the TUNA tomorrow, at least Karen knows which crates are whose (I don't have one, I have a BED) and where the treats are.

That's the news from here. The Servants are finally asleep. They won't admit it to each other, but they're both so nervous and upset. Silly things.

Hug your humans-

Very Old Dog

========================================

A Dog's Christmas

My dear canine friends, I've a story for you.
I beg you to listen: what I say is all true.
Your Humans are human and can't help their behavior,
They get all confused 'bout the birth of their Savior.


See, it's that time of the year, when the humans are hopping.
"No time for our walk today, gotta go shopping.
And tomorrow we have to put up all the lights.
You understand, don't you? You'll be all right?"

No time for your Frisbee, no time to throw balls.
Got to wrap all the boxes and deck all the halls.
"I'm sorry," they say as you're back in your crate,
"Office party tonight, we won't get home til late."

So you sit in your crate for a very long time.
You're warm and you're safe and they know you'll be fine.
But you're bored and you're worried and you don't understand
Why this time of the year things get all out of hand.

As if rushing around like a nut's not enough,
They keep filling the house up with all kinds of stuff.
There's holly and candles for all to see,
Then to prove they've gone starkers THEY BRING IN A TREE!!!

Yep, fellow dogs, they bring a pine tree right in
They put glass things on the branches and plug the lights in.
You think "Hey! Indoor plumbing!" But they say, "Get away!!"
"This is Our Special Tree for Our Special Day."

And don't think for a moment those tree balls are for you.
Though they bounce on the branches and call you, they do!
You haven't been chasing your own ball for weeks,
Or played tug o' war with your toy that goes "squeak."

As their Big Day approaches, their tempers grow short.
They're tired and stressed out and all out of sorts.
They've spent way too much money, whatever that is.
On gifts, decorations, and on something called "status."

See, they're only humans, and they always forget
It's not about presents or getting in debt.
The Birthday they're celebrating is all about Love
About gifts of the Spirit, sent from up above.

And that same great Father who sent them his Son
To teach all the humans to love every one,
Sends us to remind them, my good fellow hounds:
We exemplify love with positively no bounds.

So when their Big Day is ending, their presents unwrapped,
And they've eaten their feast and settled down for a nap,
That's the time when we dogs can show by example
That it's just about love, and can give them a sample.

They will feel something’s lacking, will see something's missing.
This is the time you can teach with your kissing.
They've ignored you for weeks with their rushing around,
Still you shower them with Love - the True Love of a Hound.

Whisper quiet, Dear Dogs, "It is not about Things!"
"It's not about buying new cars or rings."
The True Gift of Christmas is Love, sweet and pure.
And at Love, none can out do a dog, that’s for sure.

copyright 2006 Patience C Renzulli, not 2206! duh.

thank goodness the dogs love me anyway.

Our Version of Yesterday, by the dogs

For the Human version of yesterday, simply scroll down to the next story.

William: The sun is coming up. Wake up, Humans.

Very Old Dog: Sigh, stretch, snuggle in. Be quiet Young One.

All: They're getting up! Me first! Here we go. Race you to the door, can't beat me, I'm winning, let us out. Look out Squirrels here we come!

All: aaahhhhhhhh. peeeee. poop.

All: breakfast time yum and yum it's breakfast time

Maria: squeak Mr. Squeaktoy. squeak squeak squeak squeak. You want my squeak toy. You cannot have my squeaktoy.

Mama Pajama: I do not want your old squeaktoy. I have my own squeaktoy! squeak squeak squeak squeak. I squeak my squeaktoy louder than you!

All: Bowls going down! Chomp chomp gulp yum lick lick, that's all?

Mama Pajama to Lindy Loo: Are you going to eat all that? Move away from your bowl.

Lindy Loo: gulp, swallow, lick lick. All done.

Delia to her Manservant: Uh-oh. Why are you in dressy clothes? Where are your walking shoes? This concerns me greatly.

Luciano to Delia's manservant: Time for our walk, Buddy. You forget or what?

All: We're all going in the yard? This is new. You have the schedule all mixed up, Silly Human.

Delia: I'll stay with my Human. He's confused. Oh all right, if you insist I'll go in the yard, but now I have Serious Concerns.

Fat Charlie: She's taking the loud gassy machine out of the yard.

All: Us too! Take us too! Oh she's so rude. Let's follow the loud gassy machine.

Sam I Am: SQUIRREL ALERT!

[generalized chaos ensues]

Very Old Dog: She's taking a shower before our walkies, this is a Very Bad Sign.

All: Here she comes, it's Walk Time! Woo-hoo joy abounds Death to Stupid City Squirrels. Walk me first! Me first! Me first! Me... Huh? Oh boy, biscuits in crates! YES!

Very Old Dog: She's leaving. No walk today. She's going away without us.

Mama Pajama: Are there chewies involved?

Maria: Oh my, she is going away. Oh my they are both going away. He is getting the keys. They have forgotten our walks and they are going away.

Mama Pajama: There should definitely be chewies involved.

All: Yay! Chewies! Good job Mama Pajama, she heard you!

[sound of door closing, gate opening and closing, car starting and driving away]

All: chew, chew, chew, chew, chew

Mama Pajama to Sam I Am: Are you going to finish that chewie?

Sam I Am: Yes, [chew] I [chew] am [chew].

All: chew... zzzz ... ch-e-w... zzz-z-z-z-z

[quiet]

Luciano: Was that our car? I think I heard our car!

Fat Charlie: No.

Very Old Dog: What? Speak up! What did you hear?

[quiet]

Mama Pajama: We need to dock their pay. This is ridiculous. Good help is so hard to find.

[quiet]

William and Lindy Loo: There it is that's the car it's our car and our Humans does anyone else have to pee?

Fat Charlie: No, that car is not ours.

Very Old Dog: What? Is it them? Speak UP; you all mumble.

[pause... sleeping sounds]

Luciano: Woof woof woof woof strange dog on our sidewalk. Danger danger woof woof woof!!

All: Woof woofwoofwoofwoof! This house is protected by all of us! Woof Woof Woof!

Lindy Loo: woof woof. Is it a very large dog? Would it be one to eat little dogs? Woof?

Very Old Dog: I hear THAT! Woof woof woof cough woof woof!

Maria: It's gone but let's have a nice howl ah-wooooooooooo, wooerooooooooo!

All: Woo Ah-roooooo ah-woooo-woooooow-wooooooooooooooooooooooo.

[much scratching of bedding and curling up and flumping back down. sleep]

Sam I Am: HEY! Listen!

Mama Pajama and Fat Charlie and Delia: It's our friends' van! It's Lee and Dee! Maybe they found the Humans.

All except Very Old Dog: They're coming in oh hello dear friends we're so glad and we have to pee and you found your way here and our humans are lost and ...

Very Old Dog: What? What is going... oh, hi there Miss Lee and Miss Dee! I heard you the whole time. Nice of you to come visit. Whew... Excuse me I've got to pee!

[a lovely visit ensues, dogs play in the yard and potty and much canine gratitude is bestowed on the dear friends who let the dogs out.]

All to Lee and Dee: Our Humans are lost. Have you seen them? We're quite concerned about their return. They can't run, they can't smell a squished worm when it's right under their nose, and they have no sense of direction whatsoever. Oh, biscuits, how lovely of you.

[dogs get biscuits back in their crates and friends leave]

Mama Pajama: There should have been more chewies involved.

Very Old Dog: I am greatly concerned about our Dear Humans. Greatly concerned. They can't possibly survive this long without us.

Maria: I know what will help - let's howl. Ah-wooooooooooooooo rah rah rah wooooooooo

All: Howl, howl, howl howl-a-rama rooooooooooooooooo. What are we to doooooooooooo?

[settling noises, some licking of privates, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

William: Here they come! I hear the van!

Mama Pajama: They didn't even take the van, idiot, they took the car. Did you finish your chewie?

[long pause]

Delia: I love my Human. I want him home now. He was worried when they left. So was she. I want them home. I want him home.

[time passes]

William: I have to pee.

Lindy Loo: I'm hungry.

Mama Pajama: Tell me about it.

Very Old Dog: What? You're mumbling again.

Delia: He's here he's here he's back that's the car he's here oh he's here let me out of this crate before I explode he's here he found us he's home!!!

[MASS CHAOS]

All: Hi Woman! You were lost and you are home wowsa are we hungry you're late gotta pee you're HOME oh you're HOME oh Man, you smell like you've been to Doc Ol' Poke and Stick, yikes we'll be gentle mmmmmm dinner!

All: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz