Puppy:Pssssssssssst. (waits a second) Psssssssssst! Human: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz mmph rrrrgh (rolls over) Puppy:Hey! Hey! Birds are chirping, let's get up! Hey! Human: Oh for the love of God, Puppy, it's 2:30 in the morning. Damn these stooopid southern mockingbirds, do they not know it's the middle of the night? Puppy:Well, since you're up, I think I have to pee. Human: Oh crap. Come on. (takes puppy outside) Puppy:Cool! Here's my ball and the moon is bright enough, let's play! Human: Pee.
(puppy pees) Human: Good puppy. Come on. Puppy: Throw it once? You know you want to! Human: PUPPY GET IN THIS HOUSE. NOW. Puppy: Okay!
(they both go back to sleep) Puppy:Pssssssssssssssssst. (waits a second) Pssssssssssssssst! Human: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz mmph rrrrgh (rolls over) Puppy: Hey! Hey! Sun's up! Rise and shine, human o'mine!
(human gets up) Puppy:Good morning, good morning, to youoooooooooooooooooo!
(puppy and human eat breakfast) Puppy:Done with that bowl? Human: Here, you can lick. Puppy:nom nom nom. Oh my stars look at this, it's a SQUEAKY TOY!!!!! Let's play! Squeak squeak squeak. Squeak squeak squeak. Squeak squeak squeak. Squeak squeak squeak. Time for our walk! Human: Time for our walk! Puppy:Oh boy oh boy oh boy you are the best human ever ever EV-verrrrrrrrrrrrr!
(they go for a walk. human takes a shower and dresses for work.) Puppy:I don't like the looks of this. Not one bit. Oh yeah, time to hide. (puts head behind chair with butt sticking out big as day) Phew! Safe. Can't find me here.
(human grabs puppy and puts puppy in crate with yummy stuffed Kong) Human: I'll be back at lunch. Be a good puppy. Puppy:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh hey, what's this nom nom nom.
(later) Puppy:Uh-oh. I have to pee. Hellooooooooooo? Um, maybe if I shred this blanket, it will take my mind off...
(human gets home for lunch) Puppy: ... MY BLADDER!!!!! You're home! I love you love you love you !
(human opens crate door) Puppy:Oh you are the best human in the UNIVERSE! Hello! Wa-hooooooooooooo! It's a wonderful world! Human: Oh honey, you dribbled. Out we go, quick quick!
(they go out into the yard) Puppy:WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(human plays with puppy, eats lunch, lets puppy lick plate, returns puppy to crate) Puppy: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(human gets home from work) Puppy:Hello!!! How was your day? Mine's been awesome so far. Shall we go a'walking? It's been forever since we had a nice walkies. OH YES!! That's the ticket! Good good human! I love you!
(they go for a walk) Puppy:Look! Grass! I LOVE grass. nom nom nom. Human: No eating grass! It will make you puke. Come on, sweetheart! Puppy:Look! An e-vile city squirrellie! Bark Bark Bark! Gnash teeth! RAWR!!! I LOVE e-vile city squirrellies!!! LOVE to bite them up to bits! Human: Ouch. Puppy:Whatch doin' on the ground, silly human? Here, I'll lick your face because I LOVE YOU!
(human gets up and checks out bleeding palms and knees; not too bad, just some scrapes.) Puppy: Here we go! LOOK! A big dog! HI BIG DOG I'M ADORABLE! Human: (shortens hold on leash) Puppy, the big dog might not like puppies. Puppy:Don't be ridiculous. Everybody loves me! I'm ADORABLE. HI THERE BIG DOG!!! Whoa! That is NOT a nice dog at all. Move along human. A little faster now. Hurry.
(they get home, eat dinner, lick plates) Human: hmmmm. Wonder what my Facebook friends have been up to?
(sits at the computer) Puppy:Let's play! Human: Go lie down. Puppy:I'm more fun than any stinking computer! I'm irresistible! Wag wag wag! Human: GO LIE DOWN! Puppy:Well, you don't have to get all huffy. Geez. Hmmmmm. what to do what to do what to do. La la la dee da.
(puppy goes off in another room)
(puppy comes back) Puppy:Oh human? I have a surprise for you!!! [puppy giggle] I have a secret! I made a little poopie in the back of the bedroom all by myself and no one knows but me! Human: What is that smell? PUPPY!!! You didn't!!! Puppy: Uh-oh.
(mess gets cleaned up, puppy goes out, human gets ready for bed) Human: Come on sweetheart, time for bed. Puppy:I LOVE bed!
(they go to bed) Puppy: Have I ever told you that you are the BEST thing in my whole world? Because you are the BEST thing in my whole world and I love you like crazy. Human: Have I ever told you that you are the BEST thing in my whole world? Because you are the BEST thing in my whole world and I love you like crazy. Puppy:zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Human: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz